Please find below my latest writing about codependency vs more mature, healed and healthy ways of romantic love:
“7 Signs You are in a Codependent Relationship.
The partnership that I’m currently in is asking of me to release remnants of such ways that I still have—especially when facing triggers.
What makes a relationship codependent is the prominence of the traits stated below compared to the healthier aspects of a romantic connection. If you have felt yourself doing one of these in the past rather regularly, you may simply have further inner work to do.
Here is what I have learned about how to identify traits of codependency and how to heal such dynamics within our relationship:
1. Time spent apart is lived as a threat.
In a codependent relationship, fear may arise when one takes space out of the partnership unit. Time spent with families and friends can be lived negatively for one or both.
As the relationship progresses, one may start to disallow their lover to do things without them. It develops slowly and insidiously, but once the relationship is settled, its container starts to feel like a trap because every attempt to be away from the couple or with others is received negatively. This can also lead one or both to hide part of their activities, to avoid the drama that may follow the announcement of time about to be spent away.
This pattern obviously finds its roots in a lack of trust—one fears the love isn’t strong enough to endure separation or the presence of others. They don’t trust the solidity of the connection, they think it must be controlled or managed to work. As a consequence, when away from one another, partners may have to over-function to not feel the void.
2. We feel that we are losing our sense of self.
We are scared of sharing our dreams, visions, or goals when they don’t correspond to what our partner wants or their own image of us. We hide parts of our passions because we feel we may be less loved if we were to share fully who we are.
We are trying to be the man or the woman of our partner’s dreams. It becomes more important for us to keep the connection than to develop and mature ourselves. We are scared we could lose them if we were to fully embrace our own journey. What if one of our goals doesn’t fit the relationship framework as defined so far? We may even feel like changing ourselves to fit into our partner’s expectations and images of us. We may also see ourselves asking for approval and losing self-agency.
For the two reasons stated above, we may not be feeling anymore that we have our own, independent life as an individual.
3. Feelings, wants, or needs are not fully spoken out to avoid rocking the boat.
When there is a disagreement, we say what we think is going to be accepted by our partner. We avoid expressing fully what feels wrong or what we need because we are scared our partner could break up with us if we were asking too much.
To read the full post, please go here!
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